Passion and Performance

Trying to figure out what passion is, best use of directing it and how to perform without it. Seems like a balancing effort to live with purpose, putting love and joy into performing tasks that aren’t in my passion arena. I feel the excuse to state at times, when I have no passion for that so I just can’t do that, but to live life fully as advised, we must appreciate and be thankful to God for all this pain, sorrow and anxiety for an unknown road ahead. Too many pieces many devastating pieces, there are always more.

To hold on faith, stillness of peace and love – within these moments, when every move and thought is an absolute chore, and truly, wholly within your heart, give thanks to God. For each struggle, sigh, cry and pain. For my son whom is just a child and he feels the same feelings and has as many prayers.

And does go with is a bore, no wonder being in my company is typically not sought after.  absolutely in a mind state with almost full loss of joy, little hope (which is better than 2 weeks ago as I truly faced rationalization to selfishly and finally give up) but I miss any sense of humor or wit I may once have had, life just seem to have some fun. I am holding out for that life again. As my 7 year old also says through tears and pain “this is not my life” I want my old life back.” how do I sell the idea that I too, on faith believe that “hopefully” we will have a new life to love again and will overcome this. As we took such humungous strides to be here in this city, in a tiny dump that I try to embrace with love and gratitude thru the mildew and flooding bathroom. And I pray.

Some days I am immensely passionate about a clean house and can get to scrubbing some corners of the floor that have been neglected or typically passion for housekeeping tasks come with any expected guest, though recently even that isn’t helping motivate.

I can remember how and when housekeeping was a part of my tasks and working full time wasn’t, nor being single parent or single for that matter – I was pretty damn organized and I cooked.

Is it a balance of appreciation, passion or necessity to the approach? The ease in which performance of not too enlightening, but necessary tasks (such as cleaning the kitty litter pan) or purging with a different amount of appreciation, so to speak. I am humbled this second summer in the city, for some reason feeling stuck, and apparently pretty over passionate about many things. Is passion typical in everyone? Is it a season? What if our passion is misunderstood and discounted on account the ideas are too forward thinking? The ideas are not heard or the problem is ignored no matter how others are hurt from it. Issues ranging from college students being ripped off by landlords to in ability to escape an abusive husband who premeditates my destruction,  purposely planning and executing actions to just be a bully and hurt me. Is this his passion or obsession? Could my inability to effectively be a leader or maybe I am unable to convey ideas because my energy and purpose gets mixed with passion with obsessive tendencies….. hmmm….